Autistic Review: Banjo-Threeie

After waiting as long as we did for this, I’m overjoyed that we finally got to play a PROPER sequel to Banjo-Tooie. Guys, this week I have the distinct honor of reviewing Rare’s collect-em-up platformer masterpiece Banjo-Threeie. Without any further ado, let’s get to it.

Story

Banjo-Threeie takes place thirteen years after the conclusion of Banjo-Tooie. Banjo-Threeie begins with Banjo, Kazooie, and a host of familiar faces having a party at Banjo and Kazooie’s place which has been fully rebuilt since Grunty’s attack in the last game (Bottles makes a rather funny and risque joke about contractors!). They are celebrating the anniversary of Banjo and Kazooie’s original triumph over Gruntilda (yet, oddly, Tooty is neither present nor mentioned) when their celebration is interrupted by a sudden thunderstorm. They crowd inside the tiny house, with Mumbo crammed hilariously up against the window to witness a flash of lightning and what would appear to be Gruntilda’s shadow on one of the walls of the area. Sure enough, the witch is back. Using a very powerful spell that can only be used once every 13 years under the full moon, Gruntilda has regained not only her original powers, but several more, making her essentially a demigod. Mumbo watches as a newly-empowered Gruntilda returns to her lair, certain that nothing good can come of this.

After a beautifully rendered cutscene and some more exposition, we find out that Grunty stole the Crystal Jiggy from Master Jiggywiggy’s temple and is using it to break the world apart and reassemble it as she pleases. Banjo and Kazooie must chase after her, recovering Jiggies and bringing them to Jiggywiggy himself to build the only thing that can counteract the power of the Crystal Jiggy should it fall into the wrong hands.

Gameplay

True Banjo-Kazooie gameplay! We get to explore lush, huge worlds, collecting Jiggies and doing quests for weird animals; CLASSIC! Banjo-Threeie is a MUCH bigger game than its predecessors, sending bear and bird from the hub area of the Jiggy Dimension (a lush island floating in empty space) to both all-new worlds like Shimmerlight City and Grimy Grotto and twisted recreations of BK and BT worlds called “Grunty Worlds”. The game has a total of twenty-six to explore, each with its own ten Jiggies to find as well as new moves from both Bottles and Jamjars with Bottles being found in the Grunty Worlds and Jamjars in the normal worlds. In order to make progression more natural, most of the duo’s moves from the previous games have been lost and are re-learned through the game’s main storyline. However, that doesn’t mean that the mole brothers haven’t come up with some kick-ass new moves in the interim. Abilities like the Honeybear Hover, Breegul Barrier and Superbear Slam are welcome additions to the duo’s repertoire. Mumbo and Humba (long since married) combine their magic to give bear and bird ten new transformations like the Lobster, Hawk, and Super Mech, wherein Banjo transforms into a Gundam-like robot piloted by trigger-happy Kazooie. Hands down the most fun BK transformation EVER, especially when Gobi, tired of the duo constantly smashing him for his water, attacks them with his own mech in the Gruntified version of Gobi’s Valley.

Of course, who could forget about Rare’s re-inclusion of Stop ‘n Swop? In addition to porting the XBLA releases of Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie to all platforms Banjo-Threeie is playable on, collecting all of the Stop ‘n Swop items in Banjo-Kazooie and transporting them all the way to Threeie will unlock an entire new world: the illusive Fungus Forest as it was originally designed (albeit with updated geometry, of course). In the very center of that area is an apology note from Rare stating, “Sorry we took so long.”. You are forgiven, Rare.

Graphics

Banjo-Threeie, even despite coming out over a decade after its prequels, puts the others to shame graphically. Each of Banjo’s hairs and Kazooie’s feathers is individually rendered for a fantastic, Pixar-like gaming experience. The characters, while still cartoony in overall appearance, have been overhauled to look even better than the original gameplay trailer of Watch_Dogs. It’s truly a sight to behold these beloved characters in such vivid detail.

Sound

Returning triumphantly to the franchise, the incomparable Grant Kirkhope composed the entire soundtrack for the game. Utilizing both remixed tracks from the original games and all-new tracks along with an entire symphony orchestra, the soundtrack of Banjo-Threeie is, literally, music to my ears.

Of course, you can’t discuss the audio of this game without mentioning how amazing it was to hear our favorite characters in full voice acting for the first time. The casting was not only perfect, but well executed as well with veteran comedians Jack McBrayer (30 Rock, Wreck-It Ralph) as lovable, naive Banjo and Catherine Tate (Doctor Who, The Catherine Tate Show) cast as the bombastic Breegul, Kazooie. The two of them have surprisingly perfect chemistry and work well with one another, but the entire voice cast is just spectacular. Alan Rickman (Harry Potter, Dogma) performs Master Jiggywiggy exactly as I would have hoped and I never tire of hearing the amazing Rob Paulsen (Animaniacs, Bravoman) pulling off the voice of Bottles and Patrick Warburton (Family Guy, The Venture Bros.) voicing Jamjars expertly.

Overall

This was a game worth waiting for. Banjo-Threeie is about as close as you can get to perfect. Truly, Rare has returned to glory with this release.

…except that this game, regrettably, never happened. Maybe in some parallel universe, there’s a parallel me raving about how amazing this game is. Unfortunately, that’s not what happened, but it’s still fun to think about how amazing this game COULD have been, given the chance.

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Posted in Nintendo, Reviews

Autistic Review: South Park: The Stick of Truth

Goin’ down to South Park gonna have myself a time…

The term “licensed game” is gradually less and less translating to “complete and utter s**t” and a lot of that has to do with games not being tossed out the door to coincide with a big movie release. In this case, the delays were caused by that pesky business side of the gaming industry insofar as the original publisher, THQ ran out of money. Fortunately, Ubisoft picked up the rights and kept development funded because it would have been a tragedy if this game had never seen the light of day.

Here’s the problem reviewing am RPG: spoilers. I don’t want to spoil the story for anyone. So, I’ll do my best to avoid them.

Gameplay
Strongly reminiscent of Paper Mario both on the field and in combat (for good reason, I suppose) the gameplay of Stick of Truth is not just solid, but fun. It’s actually quite enjoyable to explore the quiet mountain town, complete side quests and make new friends (a core gameplay mechanic). Overall, the gameplay isn’t an obstacle in the way of the story; rather it enhances it. The story is more fun to complete because the gameplay is so good. Moving around works well, there’s no tearing or other issues and exploring is an experience, not a chore.

As far as combat goes, they’ve put a unique spin on the Paper Mario-esque “action command battle system” and made combat both interesting and fun as opposed to involving selecting a combat function, hitting a foe and healing as necessary (glares at Earthbound). Aside from that, your character’s attacks and the kids of South Park’s attacks are not only interesting, but hilarious. Butters acts as an all-around fighter and healer, Cartman prefers to stand back and let his farts do the talking and Jimmy can both buff your character and debuff enemies. Fun and intuitive combat is the core of a good RPG and South Park hits it perfectly. It’s totally tits.

Crab people… crab people…

The only real issue I had with gameplay was that there are certain quests (and therefore certain achievements) you can’t get after the main story is completed. You’d do best to complete as many side quests as you can before fighting the final boss, otherwise you won’t get another shot at them. I hated it when Arkham City did it and it bugs me just as much now.

Graphics
The game looks like an episode of South Park, hands down. Everything from the field to combat to the UI is clearly right out of the show. It may not be state-of-the-art, but neither is South Park and the game looks amazing as far as accurate representation goes.

Story
Again, no spoilers! Suffice to say that any South Park fan will be satisfied with this whether you’re a newcomer to the series or a fan dating back to Cartman’s very first anal probe. Good times.

All I will say of the story is that I was actually pretty satisfied when I finally got to kick Cartman’s ass personally. That was a LOT of pent-up issues resolved when I got to beat up that anti-Semitic little asshole and with Kyle by my side, no less!

Audio
Perfect. The music takes itself hilariously too seriously and the voice acting is (of course) top notch. Not a single problem here.

Overall
To be honest, South Park: The Stick of Truth is a perfect example of how to do a licensed game right. Granted it helps that Matt and Trey worked on it directly, but even so. I loved this game and I’m planning a second playthrough with a different class, making different decisions. It’s a fantastic game and I highly recommend it to any South Park fan.

Now, then. I’m gonna go play Dust: An Elysian Tale because I finally got it through Humble Bundle. So, screw you guys, I’m going home!

Score: 9.5/10
Must Play!

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Posted in Reviews, Steam Reviews

The Ol’ Bait and Switch

So, everyone is talking about how Ubisoft pulled a fast one on us as far as the graphics for Watch_Dogs goes. Basically, if you weren’t paying attention or simply didn’t give a Goomba’s ballsack about the game, in 2013 at E3, Ubisoft released a full gameplay demo of a game called Watch_Dogs, a game set in a dystopian future in which an entire city is controlled by a totalitarian regime and run by an OS which is, apparently, easier to hack than Windows 98. You play as one such hacker, able to change traffic lights, cause blackouts etc. in order to complete missions or something like that.

In case you couldn’t tell, I haven’t been following the game’s progress that closely. It looked interesting, but I didn’t exactly have my face glued to my computer screen waiting for news about it (to be honest, I was far more interested in Double Fine’s announcement of Costume Quest 2. And by “interested” I mean “jumping up and down with excitement”). But that said, I was impressed by what I saw at E3. Watch_Dogs looked like a truly “next gen” title as far as graphics went. I was genuinely interested as far as the gameplay went, too, but not overly so. Ubisoft doesn’t have the greatest track record with this sort of thing and “impressing” me. I do enjoy Assassin’s Creed, yes, and I LOVE the new Rayman series (Origins/Legends), but most of Ubisoft’s titles don’t impress me that much. Now, they did just release South Park: The Stick of Truth, but more on that next week.

So, yeah. Watch_Dogs looked visually impressive. Actually, that’s an understatement. Watch_Dogs looked “edge of the Uncanny Valley” visually impressive.

So, Watch_Dogs not only looked visually arresting, it looked fun. Naturally people got hyped.

A few days ago, Ubisoft released a story trailer for Watch_Dogs (presumably to expand upon the somewhat nebulous story I mentioned earlier). That’s when all hell broke loose.

Notice anything different? If not, you probably won’t really care about this. If you did, you’re probably a bit upset. Those “edge of the Uncanny Valley” graphics are looking a bit… well, “Last Gen” aren’t they? Therein lies the issue and therein lies the reason Ubisoft is under fire from the gaming community at large today.

Now, here’s the problem. If Ubisoft had released that trailer at E3 and said “Hey, this game looks really fun, doesn’t it?” then we would have said, “Yeah, Ubisoft. It does. Can’t wait to play it”. Instead, Ubisoft went, “HOLY S**T, LOOK AT THE GRAPHICS!!! LOOK HOW AWESOME THEY ARE!!! LOOK AT HOW AMAZING THIS GAME LOOKS!!!” and we went “YEAH! IT LOOKS AMAZING! I CAN’T WAIT TO PLAY IT!!” Amidst the chaos and rage, an Ubisoft PR rep said “Of course it is not downgraded at all. It’s a true next-gen game for sure…for sure..”

Really? Now, I ain’t got no fancy degree from no fancy big-city graphics university, but I do declare, that footage looks pretty gosh darn downgraded to me. They said the game has been scaled down to run better on consoles, but still looks “stunning” on PC. Well, in case you didn’t notice during WHOSE press conference Ubisoft showed that footage during last year… it was… oh, let me just check, oh that’s right SONY’S. So, basically Ubisoft said “Hey, the game looks like shit on consoles, but if you’ve got a high-end gaming PC, get ready to crap your pants over these graphics!”.

Then there’s this which pretty much seals the deal: http://i.minus.com/iboqqHgyy5tOsD.gif

But this only addresses the tip of Ubisoft’s deception on this; it doesn’t address the real problem. This idea that graphics make the game. That the prettier a game is, the better is is. That specular lighting and and anti-aliased shadows are more important that quality gameplay and controls. This is a falacy and it’s one that publishers will continue to use on us as long as it works.

Let me ask you, gentle reader, to think critically for a moment. Think of a game like Battlefield 4. A graphically stunning game, right? Realistic rainfall, super-high polygon count, but not the most fun game ever, right? Now think of a game like Super Mario Bros. 3. By today’s standards, graphically inferior to basically every other game on the console market (save for Indie titles). Which game is more fun? Do the graphics make it fun?

Time’s up. The answers are Super Mario Bros. 3 and F**K NO. Graphics are nice, sure, but at the end of the day, we as gamers need to recognize that their importance is vastly, VASTLY overstated by both the publishers AND the console manufacturers. I had WAY more fun with a game like Thomas Was Alone or Bastion than I EVER have with Battlefield or Splinter Cell.

The bottom line? Graphics don’t make the game, Ubisoft. Don’t make them so important and we won’t get pissed when you flat-out lie to us. Just focus on making a good game. At least better than your inexcusable 3DS ports. That’s not exactly a high bar, but I have very low expectations of your in-house stuff at this point.

Unless Michael Ancel worked on it. Seriously, where the HELL is BG&E 2*?!

*It had to be said.

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Posted in Gaming Culture, Gaming Industry, Ubisoft, Watch_Dogs

A New Kind of Art Form: Video Games and the First Amendment

The dictionary defines art as “the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power.” In other words, any creative or imaginative work which can be appreciated for its beauty or its emotional power is, in the strictest terms, to be considered art. In that sense, the debate on whether or not video games are an art form and deserve protection under the First Amendment is mostly laughable in my opinion. In the simplest terms, video games adhere to both the dictionary definition of art and the legal definition of art and therefore cannot be censored or restricted under the First Amendment. Why, then, is there even an argument or a discussion on whether interactive entertainment (IE: video games) would be considered as such? In reality, perhaps the argument is not whether or not video games are art, but whether or not video games can be considered high art. That is to say, on par with paintings, literature, poetry and film. Well, many games already exist which act as gaming’s credentials as “high art”.

To begin, one cannot simply dismiss an entire medium without looking at both its best and worst examples. If one were to utterly dismiss film as an art form based solely on the most brain-dead summer blockbusters, this would be considered unacceptable as this would also cause one to write off films like “Schindler’s List” and “Citizen Kane” simply because they share the same medium as Uwe Boll’s latest cinematic abortion. The same holds true for video games. Just because the medium holds mindless entertainment like “Call of Duty: Black Ops”, “Grand Theft Auto V” and “Doom” does not mean the entire medium is without merit. Doing so causes the dismissal of titles like “Ico”, “Okami” and “Psychonauts” which explore the world of art and the world of the mind, respectively.

Generally, visual “art” must be considered “beautiful” whether through photorealism or through a style. This holds just as true for video games as any other art form. An example of photorealism, a game like UbiSoft’s “Far Cry 3”, explores the human condition and what a man will do to protect his friends and the lengths he will go to to return home, even descending into the very madness he seeks to defeat. In essence, “Far Cry 3” hearkens to the literary classic “Heart of Darkness” for inspiration and, in such, offers its own interpretation of the situation a character can be placed in. While the player has a high level of control over the game and the story (the game’s island world can be freely explored outside of missions), the ending of the story is ultimately up to the player. However, both endings have positive and negative traits (one being a means of “tricking” the player who would choose the more chauvinistic option) but both equally satisfying and both wrapping up a dark story that causes the player to assess the choices they made and how they affected the story. In essence, rather than simply reading about or watching Jason Brody (the game’s protagonist) going to incredible lengths to rescue his friends from a murderous band of pirates, the player instead takes part in it. The first-person perspective of the game coupled with the environments and story allows the player to explore Jason’s situation, his psyche and his decisions in such a way that cause us to evaluate his choices on our own. That is exactly what art is supposed to do.

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 It’s all fun and games until someone releases the panthers.

Another example of this is Galactic Cafe’s “The Stanley Parable”. This is a game about choices. Every path you choose, every action you take influences where the story will go. Oftentimes, this results in very humorous implications (as stated by the game’s hilarious and well-voiced narrator) but the end result is usually the same: Stanley dies in the end. The Stanley Parable tells that in the end, no matter what choices we make we’re all going to die.

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What evil lies in these halls? Stanley knows.

It takes a very fatalistic attitude not unlike that of early Film Noir and French films of the 1920s and 30s. But it does so with a grain of dark humor and satire which makes it an overall enjoyable experience. A third, surprising entry is Rockstar Games’ latest release “Grand Theft Auto V”. Often cited as the worst offender of video game violence, “Grand Theft Auto V” is, in spite of the blood gore, a beautiful, well-designed game. In fact, if played in a certain way, “Grand Theft Auto V” can be played entirely devoid of violence. The game world replicates the city of Los Angeles and the Lancaster and Ventura County areas in a way unmatched by any previous title. In fact, the entire game can be played in exploration mode in which the player can avoid any illegal actions whatsoever, opting to take cabs or use their own car instead of stealing cars, obeying traffic laws rather than driving recklessly and rather than committing bank heists, simply driving along the Pacific Coast Highway while the sun sets, watching a movie at Sunset and Vine or riding the roller coaster at the pier at Santa Monica.

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Everything you see can be explored… or destroyed.

These are all elements of a game that refuses to break immersion and create a vibrant, living virtual world that gives the player the opportunity to live a life outside their own while simultaneously allowing them the freedom to do whatever they like. In reality, the violence of Grand Theft Auto V is incidental to creating a fully fleshed, explorable world. Besides that, the violence is not without consequence; the police will react to any crimes committed within a few moments and the player has the option of surrendering and paying the fine for their crimes or… doing the exact opposite. But the point is that you are given the choice.

But what about stylized art? Can that also reach such powerful levels of storytelling? Absolutely. For instance, Double Fine’s classic game “Psychonauts” explores the adventures of a young psychic boy named Razputin (Raz for short) who escapes his circus family to attend a summer camp for psychics like him. In doing so, Raz becomes embroiled in a dark and sinister plot to take over the world by stealing the brains of the campers and uses his psychic powers to enter the “mental realms” of the people he encounters, fighting their personal demons and living their nightmares while simultaneously struggling with the act of just being ten years old. In essence, Psychonauts explores not only Raz’s personality, his problems with his identity and the way he perceives his father, but also the personal issues of everyone around him. Not only that, but it makes those issues flesh and blood (so to speak) and forces the player to interact with and often fight those abstract concepts made physical and dangerous to boot. Psychonauts is a character exploration at its heart and allows you to firsthand experience the mental shortcomings and strengths of nearly every character in the game. Razputin included. Such a character study exists in many films, but the one that draws the most parallels to “Psychonauts” is “Inception”. Without speaking much directly to some of the characters in that film, we learn about them instead from their dreamscapes. The same is true of Psychonauts.

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“The Milkman Conspiracy”; a Mental Realm in the mind of a conspiracy theorist.

But many games are not quite so deliberate in their delivery of artistic expression. In fact, many of them work less like a novel or film and much more like a poem. Look at a game like thatgamecompany’s “Journey”. What begins as a trek through a desert ends as a soul-searching trip through the tragic history of an entire people as their descendents learn and relearn the mistakes of their ancestors in a hope to redeem them. At least, that’s my interpretation. “Journey” is a stylistically beautiful game with a story completely open to interpretation. Another fantastic example of this is Playdead Games’ classic puzzle-platformer “LIMBO”, which takes place in an all black-and-white world and relies on shadows and silhouettes to give objects form rather than an outright representation. Nothing in “LIMBO” is just shown; rather it is all implied not unlike the work of early 19th century silhouette artists. In addition, “LIMBO” uses a large amount of dark and gothic themes to build its world and express the danger that the little boy we play as is in and all to find his lost sister. At the end of the game, we are left uncertain of both of their fates, leaving the ending completely open much like an ambiguous poem or sonnet. It is over as suddenly as it began and the player is left unsure as to what became of these characters whose names we never knew and whose reasoning for being in this situation can only be inferred from the symbolism scattered throughout the game world. Indeed, “LIMBO” is a dark, cerebral game that causes the player to be observant in addition to considering the ramifications of their actions throughout the game, whether purposeful or not.

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This is no place for a child.

Another facet of “art” is that it generally must move a person emotionally. Like many people, I have been moved emotionally by a powerful film like “The Godfather” or Miyazaki’s timeless classic “Spirited Away” and I have been brought to tears by both modern and classic literature such as “A Game of Thrones” and “To Kill a Mockingbird”. But I have also been moved to the same degree (if not more so) by a vast number of interactive experiences. For example, a game as simple as the puzzle-platformer “Thomas Was Alone” caused me to contemplate what would happen if we, as humans, created an artificial intelligence that could learn, think and had self-preservation instincts. What did this mean for our future as a species and what were the moral implications of an attempt to destroy such an intelligence? All of these questions were posed by a game that looks like it belongs on a console from the early 80’s. “Thomas Was Alone” proves something unquestionable: the way a game looks does not inform the emotions it imparts. Although graphical fidelity can assist in such an endeavor, it is not necessarily required. That said, there are a number of works of “high art” that address the exact same issues as Thomas Was Alone such as Isaac Asimov’s science fiction classic “I, Robot”.

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You will get more emotional investment out of these rectangles than you ever did from the entire cast of “Twilight”

In 2006, noted film critic Roger Ebert took part in a panel discussion at the Conference on World Affairs entitled “An Epic Debate: Are Video Games an Art Form?”. At this conference, Ebert stated that “that video games don’t explore the meaning of being human as other art forms do”. Clearly, Mr. Ebert has not experienced nearly enough of the rich library of video games that exist and do exactly that. For instance, in the game Deus Ex: Human Revolution, you take on the role of Adam Jensen  the newly hired security manager at Sarif Industries, a growing biotechnology firm. After terrorists brutally attack the company’s headquarters, the mortally wounded Jensen is forced to undergo radical life-saving surgeries that replace large areas of his body with advanced prostheses. Returning to work, he becomes embroiled in the global politics of the human enhancement movement in the search for those responsible for the attack. A central theme to the game is the rise of corporations in globalization, espionage, human survival, poverty, and the ethics of advancing humans with artificial replacements for body parts. It shows Adam’s struggles with simultaneously trying to be human while being more than human. The decision of which side he embraces is entirely up to the player and does not devalue the experience nor the artistic value of the work in any way. In fact, Deus Ex: Human Revolution touches on these concepts much in the way that the film “Gattaca” does, albeit with genetic manipulation instead of cybernetic augmentation. Yet, still Mr. Ebert made this myopic, blanket statement while being completely unaware of such games.

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One of the lower slums in Deus Ex: Human Revolution

However, in 2010 before his death, Ebert amended his statements saying that “I should not have written that entry without being more familiar with the actual experience of video games” (Ebert). This is unquestionably true. Many of Ebert’s statements about the validity of games as high art are both uninformed and outmoded. Ebert’s perception of what games are was backwards, stunted and shortsighted. Unlike most of gaming’s opponents, however, he recognized and rectified his statements stating that he actually played and enjoyed several games including Team Ico’s “Shadow of the Colossus”.

In the end, the Supreme Court has ruled in favor of video games as a protected form of free speech. Video games have, time and time again, shown that they are capable of being an art form both in the way of a summer blockbuster film and a piece of classic literature. Video games evoke, for many of us, a feeling of nostalgia, passion and emotion identical to the feelings evoked by a great book, movie, poem or song. In fact, video games do something very special: they combine all of the great artistic mediums into one and add a new layer never before seen: interactivity. This does not devalue gaming as an art form; it empowers it. This is a new frontier in entertainment and in art and although the gaming industry has only begun to scratch the surface of what it is truly capable of, we are only in the larval stage of what I am certain will become something beautiful. Hopefully someday, much like film was considered nothing more than a fad or escapism at a time, video games will also be considered a form of high art. At the very least, the medium has begun the first steps of being considered as such by the population at large.

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Posted in Gaming Industry

Autistic Review: Loadout

What do you get when you combine the off-the-wall team combat of Team Fortress 2, the zany weapon modification of Ratchet and Clank, and the cartoonish, over-the-top violence of Borderlands? You get a game that is, hands down, one of the best muliplayer shooters to grace gaming in a very long time.

Overview

Developed by Edge of Reality, the team that brought us the N64 port of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1-3 and the 2008 The Incredible Hulk video game, Loadout is a third-person online multiplayer shooter which features robust weapon customization as its central gameplay feature.

It's all fun and games until somebody loses their torso.

It’s all fun and games until somebody loses their torso.

Gameplay

While out of Beta, Loadout is still being updated with new features. The game is, however, 100% playable and is fantastically fun. In an unconventional (but much-appreciated) move, Edge of Reality allows players to use either a mouse and keyboard (if you’re a TF2 mainstay like yours truly) or an xInput-enabled controller (if you’re a Halo person). Your ability to hit depends both upon your skills as a player and your weapon stats.  But as a free-to-play game, that means the people who spent actual cash money on the game have an unfair advantage over the free players, right?

Well, actually…

Like all free-to-play games, Loadout has two types of currency, in-game currency (Blutes) and paid currency (Spacebux). What can your Spacebux buy you? Well, avatar icons, taunts and costume parts for one. You can set yourself apart from the “default people” for real money. Not interested in wearing the right pants to make you cool (or no pants if you desire? I’m not even kidding.)? Not to worry! You can also purchase a limited multiplier of Blutes and XP! However, the amount of Blutes and XP you get is based purely upon your points in-game. If you sucked that last round, you won’t get as much. But a well-used multiplier can help you keep up with your friends who take to any shooter game like the Terminator.

You are terminated. Errr... almost.

You are terminated. Errr… almost.

If you’re broke AND not good at shooters, don’t worry! You’ll be matched up with players of equivalent skill. You’ll suck (and improve) together! Remember what Jake the Dog says!

Wise words from a magic talking dog voiced by Bender from Futurama.

Wise words from a magic talking dog voiced by Bender from Futurama.

Besides that, I’ve spent HOURS fine-tuning my weapon to be my perfectly-tailored bringer of death and mayhem. I’m not so good at shooters myself, so the ability to set my gun to shoot FIREBALLS is a great option since fire does damage over time, not relying so much on aiming to commit acts specifically outlawed by the Geneva Convention (we used to call it “gibbing” back in ’98!). The name of this fire-breathing beauty? Retribution. Partnered with The Archangel, my healing gun, I am a heavenly bringer of death and doom on the battlefield.

Or I can just pull out my super-explosive rocket launcher and kill everything, everywhere. The point is, you have options. Lots of them. You unlock these options through an expansive Tech Tree on a per-weapon-type basis. The game has four weapon types: rifles, launchers, pulses and lasers. I won’t go into too much detail, but suffice to say that most any weapon can be recreated in Loadout. Even a rocket launcher that sticks to enemies and explodes in a fiery deathstorm of tiny bombs that light everything in the area on fire. I call it Trogdor.

Even Rambo would call this overkill.

Burninating the peasants.

Graphics

And they are, in fact, quite graphic. Although highly cartoonish, Loadout is not for the prude or young. Getting shot in the head in Loadout (when it doesn’t kill you outright) will leave your skull demolished with naught but a brain and two eyestalks left to seek the nearest health pack. Taking a shotgun blast to the chest will leave a gaping hole in its wake, leaving exposed organs and a surprised look on your character’s face. Though highly stylized and cartoonish, Loadout meshes the graphic violence with an almost Itchy and Scratchy-esque over-the-top style of art that isn’t disgusting or gut-wrenching (at least not for the player) but rather disturbingly charming.

I need this like I need a hole in my... oh.

I need this like I need a hole in my… oh.

Sound

Loadout excels here as well. With a killer rock soundtrack on the menus, amusing grunts and yells from all of the characters (listen for the Wilhelm Scream when you fall into a chasm!) and a handy-dandy sound effect that plays when you do damage to an enemy, the music and sound is not only fantastic, but helpful!

Game Modes

Loadout has a number of kick-ass game modes, most of which build on standard FPS modes.

Jackhammer: Kind of like classic capture-the-flag except that the “flag” isn’t so much a “flag” as a “giant hammer you can kill people with”. The Hammer has five charges which you can use to flatten enemies and add to your score should you manage to capture.

Death Snatch: Let loose the George Takei “oh, myyy”s and I’ll continue. There we go. Death Snatch (are you going to do it every time I say it?) is very much like a simple deathmatch mode except that your goal is to gather the vial of Blutonium that players drop after being brutalized. Grab an enemy’s vial to increase your team’s score, grab a teammate’s vial to steal points from your enemies. Funny how few people remember to GRAB THE F**KING VIAL in this mode.

Extraction: The team’s designated “collector” runs around the battlefield gathering shards of raw Blutonium and bringing them to the grinder. However, Blutonium is extremely volatile and will explode when shot at or thrown. Use that information as you will.

Blitz: Much like standard “Control Points” gameplay, except that the game will randomly activate a control point SOMEwhere on the map. From there, it’s a mad dash to hold the point with your teammates to raise the flag (a pair of boxer shorts because why not?) and capture the point. Fun fact! Taunting increases your capture rate by 10%.

Overall

There’s virtually nothing I don’t like about Loadout. The one time some friends and I tried the exhibition matches, we got steamrolled and had zero idea of what was going on and the casual matches randomly assign teams to prevent “pub-stomping” (also known as clan stacking) and keeps the game well-balanced and fair. Plus, it’s just as fun to congratulate a teammate in the same room as it is to call him an asshole to his face for killing you.

The game’s bots also need to be tweaked as they’re not the best way to learn the game and (like most online multiplayer games) Loadout is 1,000 times more fun when played with friends.

Our team of crack scientists agrees. No idea why they're wearing those shower caps.

Our team of crack scientists agrees. No idea why they’re wearing those shower caps.

Loadout is still early in its lifespan, but if Team Fortress 2’s evolution is any indication, Loadout is on the right track to improve and become even more fun. It’s off to a blazing start.

Final Score

8/10

Definitely Recommend!

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Posted in Reviews, Steam Reviews

Calling the Wii U a Failure is Crap

I find myself confused by people already calling the Wii U a failure. Some go so far as to call it the “biggest console failure in history”. A tad hyperbolic. Ever heard of Vectrex? N-Gage? 3DO? Virtual Boy?

Besides that, holy shit it’s been a year. Give them some goddamned time. A lack of sufficient decent first-year titles does NOT mean “it’s dead”. If that were true, Xbox One and PS4 would be completely screwed and besides that, wasn’t it was Super Mario 3D World that just got multiple perfect scores? Besides that, I’ve noticed that most of the people complaining about the Wii U are the people who didn’t buy one. I did and I love it. This is, of course, notwithstanding Nintendo’s more recent draconian tactics on Let’s Plays and other YouTube videos, but that’s a topic for a future post.

Look. I love Nintendo. I really do. But we’re all more or less aware that Nintendo consoles at this point are basically glorified Mario Kart and Smash Bros. boxes with some extra stuff that’s also fun. Neither Mario Kart 8 nor Smash Bros. for Wii U is out yet. Everyone said the 3DS was a flop, too. Then Pokemon happened and, by the way, the 3DS outsold every console in 2013. That may or may not be due to Pokemon since correlation does not equal causation.

By the way, therein lies the problem: That’s what ALL consoles are. Do you know what really sells consoles these days? The ONLY thing that sells consoles? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not fucking Xbox Live or PSN or being able to stream TV or goddamned Kinect (shudder). It’s exclusives. Exclusives. Sell. Consoles. You buy a console because you can’t play those games anywhere else. It’s why I bought a Wii U. I wanted to play Mario Kart 8. I wanted to play LEGO City Undercover. I wanted to play the new Smash Bros. It’s why I’m holding myself back from buying a PS Vita because Tearaway is not a good enough reason to piss away $300 for a gorram console! My apologies to Media Molecule, but it’s just not. Same reason I didn’t buy an Xbox 360 because the possessed shell of a company once known as Rare develops solely for it. The XBLA versions of Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie did not justify the purchase of Microsoft’s console. Period. I’ve said too much on exclusives already, but that’s a topic for another post.

For now, I’ll say this: Nintendo isn’t doing great. The Wii U actually isn’t selling well at the moment. But they’ve got 4 billion in cash reserves. Mario Kart 8 drops in a few months, Smash Bros. comes out later this year. Give them some time before you start making funeral arrangements and giving away their stuff.

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Posted in Console Wars, Gaming Industry, Nintendo

Autistic Review: Bastion

It’s about damn time I played this. As I work my way through the aforementioned Steam Library Challenge, I’ve started with the “Action” category moving alphabetically. Due to a lack of “A” games in this category (that is to say starting with “A” in the title, not a critical grade), I’ll be starting with this:

bastion-logo

Overview

An isometric action RPG, Bastion was developed by Supergiant Games and published by Warner Bros. Interactive. It was released in 2011 for Xbox Live Arcade and Steam and was later released on the Chrome Web Store, the Mac App Store and iOS. The player controls a character known only to us as “The Kid” as he travels through the shattered remnants of the city of Caelondia after it was annihilated by a catastrophe known as The Calamity. The Kid wanders the floating remains of the city, fighting monsters and searching for objects called Core Shards which can provide power to The Bastion; the former highest point of Caelondia from where the city can be restored.

Gameplay

The gameplay of Bastion is fairly straightforward: you control The Kid as he moves through the floating shards of Caelondia looking for the core shards and using a variety of weapons to do so. As you play, you’ll fight gas monsters, killer plants, and other enemies as you search for the power to restore the Bastion and, hopefully, the people and places destroyed in the Calamity. The game’s weapons are fun to use, well-balanced and keep you from feeling either overpowered or underpowered depending upon how you choose to upgrade and use them. Through the use of the game’s simple yet robust upgrade system as well as the use of Spirits which can give you all sorts of passive bonuses from critical strike chance increases to improved health, The Kid is well-equipped and well-prepared for his adventure. You feel that your failure to complete a mission is due to your lack of skill or a mistake on your part; not dodgy AI or an unbalanced combat system. If you keep pushing, keep trying, you’ll make your way through.

That said, there were a few small areas of the game where I fell through the world (doing so resets you nearby with a bit less health as opposed to being a game-breaking bug like most games) when I probably shouldn’t have due to the floor being broken away just enough or because of a graphical glitch, but these were few and far between and generally not enough to actively hinder gameplay.

Graphics

Bastion’s graphics are entirely hand-painted and very colorful. The areas have a wide variety of styles and themes, but share the common art style which is both beautiful and appropriate for the story’s theme and feel.

Sound

One of Bastion’s strongest points is its music. The score itself is beautiful, and what starts out as a seemingly simplistic game is informed by both story and music as a much deeper experience. The lyrical songs were beautiful, poignant and well-performed. I immediately purchased the soundtrack after completing the game.

As you play, your every move is narrated by the voice of Rucks, an elderly Caelondian you’ll meet early in the game. Rucks’ Morgan Freeman-like narration adds a very fun touch to the game and is often comical as well in addition to providing background information on The Kid, Caelondia, and himself.

Story

Bastion is heavily story focused, so there’s not much I can say without ruining it. However, I will say that there is a lot more to the game’s story, to Caelondia’s lore and the depth of the game’s characters than appears on the surface. The choices you, as a player, make will affect these people and you will feel for them by the end.

Overall

Overall, Bastion is a fantastic, phenomenal game. I highly recommend it to ARPG and hack-and-slash fans alike, but if you’re just looking for a good story, you’d do well to start here. Then again, most stories start from the beginning. Not so easy with this one…

Final Score

9/10

Absolute Must-Play!

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Posted in Indie Reviews, Reviews, Steam Reviews

The Steam Library Challenge

If you’re like me, you have an awesome problem. You have so many games in your Steam library that you haven’t even touched. You WANT to, but you don’t have time or something else came out that was more interesting or you have a family or you have a job or any other bullshit excuse* you’ve concocted to leave those games you spent cash money on sitting in your library collecting digital dust. Including, ironically, Dust: An Elysian Tale, From Dust, and Dustforce.

Here’s the challenge: Play and beat ALL of the games in your library in any order you choose. HOWEVER! There are some guidelines.

  1. If you’ve already beaten them on another console or on Steam, you may skip it.
  2. If the game is just plain terrible or you can’t beat it because of a lack of skill, you must play at least six hours of it before you actually decide to skip it.
    1. ADDENDUM:  If the game itself is broken or buggy and a developer-side problem is keeping you from completing it, you may skip it entirely and wish a plague upon the heads of the developers if you so choose.
  3. There is no timetable for the challenge, but you MUST complete all of the games before you can purchase another game. This includes non-Steam titles, used games, console games AND mobile games. You may still buy board and card games. That Cards Against Humanity expansion isn’t going to buy itself after all.
    1. ADDENDUM: If someone gifts you a copy of a game, you must add it to the list.
  4. You do not have to complete the game 100% unless you want to. You must only make it to the “proper” end of the game.
  5. Games that have no “proper” ending such as Pac-Man Championship Edition DX+ must be played for the six hour minimum before you can continue down the list.
  6. You can entirely skip games that do not run on your computer, are multiplayer only (Artemis), or have been shut down entirely (MMOs).
  7. Shared Library games do NOT count toward this challenge, but you get Extra Special Bonus Points if you complete them as well. Especially if you complete your friend’s library before they complete their library.

Well, what do you say? Are you up for the Steam Library Challenge?

*The Autistic Gamer would like to note that he in no way meant to imply that having a family, a job, or any other prior obligation was, in any way, an excuse for not playing video games. It is a perfectly valid reason not to play video games and this statement was made for the sake of comedy. If you didn’t find this amusing or you were insulted by it, you should probably take a break from your soul-sucking job and tell your dream-smashing broodswine to shut their goddamned cakeholes for once in their miserable lives.

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Posted in Challenge, Gaming Culture, Steam, Valve

Sonic Boom or Sonic Bust?

First off, let me just say that this is my last post for this week. From here on out I’ll be updating this blog at least once a week, usually on Tuesdays. Now then. On to business.

I’ve loved Sonic the Hedgehog since I was a wee lad of five. My uncle worked for Sega, you see, and I was lucky enough not only to receive a Sega Genesis apropos of nothing more than a visit from my uncle, but also (a few years later) a demonstration of the groundbreaking lock-on technology to be featured in Sonic and Knuckles about a year before the game’s launch. As you can see, my roots with Sonic not only run back far, but deep. Not so deep that I whack it to that sort of thing (people do that; I can’t understand why) and I’m not the typical Autistic Sonic fan who believes the franchise is a golden power ring of perfection and that Sonic needs to be protected from haters. Sonic has fallen flat a few times; I’m happy to acknowledge that about any game I love when it’s due. Hell, even Psychonauts, my most favorite game of all time has grinding in it, one of my least favorite gameplay elements of all time. But I don’t think it’s a perfect game and I don’t think Tim Schafer is Jesus on high who can do no wrong.

What was I saying? Oh, right. Sonic and how I’m willing to admit the franchise has faults like literally everything, ever.

As we all know, in recent years Sonic’s hit on some hard times. He had a terribly constructed next-gen game, he became a Werehog for a bit (the etymology of which makes absolutely zero sense) and then he made a recovery with Sonic Colors for the Wii and came soaring back with Sonic Generations; a fantastic game all around. I haven’t had time nor money to play Sonic Lost World yet, but reception has been mixed, so I’m cautious at best.

The Internet absolutely engsmsploded the other day with the announcement of a new franchise for Sonic the Hedgehog titled “Sonic Boom”. To clarify, Sonic Boom is NOT A REBOOT. It’s a separate franchise devised by SEGA to tie into a Wii U/3DS game, a companion TV show and toy line (quelle surprise). The main Sonic franchise will continue and with Aaron Webber at the helm, we have naught to fear; I’ve met the man personally at E3 and I’ve also never met a bigger fan of Sonic IN MY LIFE. He’s also a very nice guy and a pleasure to talk to.

Now, people seem very split down the middle about this and there’s little agreement (on the Internet?! Lé gasp!) on what’s good and what’s bad (if any of either depending upon which mouth-breathing blogger you ask). Well THIS mouth-breathing blogger (I have asthma, okay?) has his own opinion about it and as if you didn’t already guess, I’m going to tell you what it is.

The Character Redesigns
This seems to be the primary thing people seem to be losing their collective minds about. Let’s examine this on a case-by-case basis, shall we?

Okay. Left to right, then I suppose.

Tails’ Redesign

First and foremost, our two-tailed friend appears to be very incredulous in this picture. Almost as if he’s going “Can you believe this shit?!”. Like the artist couldn’t believe what he was being asked to do. That said, I actually LIKE Tails’ redesign. It’s got a kind of Steampunk-y vibe to it, but it definitely shows his role as the engineer of the team; a role he fell into as of Sonic Adventure in 1998 and now actually looks the part for. Like all of the characters, I don’t understand the use of bandages all over him, but it’s entirely possible that it will be explained or explored in the series/game. Or it’s a design choice I’m confused by. Either way, Tails’ overall look is pretty cool and I’ll give it a passing grade.

Knuckles’ Redesign

Oh lord, Knuckles, what have they done to you? Okay, granted I agree with my roommate who said that he never believed that Knuckles had the sort of upper body strength that he’s purported to have in the main franchise, but seriously? SOMEBODY has been lifting. Or using steroids. Or both. Sigh… Look, this is basically going to be one of those things that people get all riled up and upset about because it’s so different. But as long as Knuckles retains his personality of being a badass hothead with a calm core, I think everyone will be fine. Either way, people will get over the design change in a few months. That’s what happens. That’s what always happens.

Sonic’s Redesign

Three words: way past cool. Again with the bandages, but I suppose it makes them look like they’ve been through some shit. It’s very 90’s and I think that’s what they’re going for here. A throwback to the 90’s while still being a bit modern. The additions I do love are the red bandanna which really compliments Sonic’s trademark blue and the slight ruffling of his spines, again serving to show that he’s been through the ringer.

Amy’s Redesign

Can you say “badass”? Amy’s redesign looks pretty far from her original Sonic CD design and it’s definitely a step in the right direction. I’m hugely progressive when it comes to the role of women in games and the idea of having Amy fill Rouge’s role is a bit sickening to me. I’ve never been much of a fan of the overly sexualized bat (really, SEGA?), but Amy here is NOT overly sexualized. She looks like she’s also been through it like her friends. She looks like she can stand on her own. She’s got a giant motherfucking HAMMER and she can swing it around to do some kick-ass stuff. Amy also looks distinctly 90’s, but also strong and confident. Some people liked Amy’s personality and role as the obsessive otaku in the main series. Personally, I’d consider a stronger, more independent Amy a welcome change.

In general, Sonic Boom seems to be trying to reinvent Sonic from the ground up. It wants to pick up about where Sonic CD left off in the 90’s in the general feel of the series while retaining some elements from the later series. That much is evident from the redesign of the characters to the style of comedy in the TV series to using “Bangarang” in the game trailer. Sonic Boom has a lot of potential to take the franchise speeding in another direction and I’m cautiously optimistic to see where that leads.

It could be a whole new Zone of awesome potential. Or it could be gorram Carnival Night Zone*. Time will tell.

*I fucking HATE Carnival Night Zone.

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Posted in Gaming Industry, SEGA, Sonic the Hedgehog

Top 10 Boss Battle Themes – Trophy Unlocked Contribution

 I recently contributed to a blog called Trophy Unlocked where my friends EHeroFlareNeos and Tetris_King blog about games, movies and the like. Our subject for this article was the top 10 boss battle themes. I’m not going to copy/paste their writing over to my blog, but I will post what I wrote for them. Link to the full post after the break.

Boss battles are a gaming tradition and often an integral part of their design. However, instead of looking at bosses themselves, we will instead be looking at the music associated with them as the player is locked in combat.

A few months ago, I was asked to write a portion of a blog article for Trophy Unlocked wherein we would discuss our top 10 boss battle themes. During our communications, the list ended up sticking with the following criteria:

  • The song must be used in a boss fight (as such, it doesn’t matter if it was a licensed track)
  • The song must be memorable
  • Only one song per game can be chosen (Does not apply to Honorable Mentions list)
  • Only one contributor needs to have played the game

With that in mind, we listed all of our favorite boss battle themes, I applied some of my list-making skills to it and we wrote why they fell where they did on the list.

Spoiler Note: Some of the songs listed belong to important bosses in the games they originate from, so spoilers will be completely unmarked.

Honorable Mention: A City in Florida (Saints Row: The Third)

Game: Saints Row: The Third
Boss: Matt Miller
Song: A City in Florida
Artist: Deadmau5

Yes, I know this isn’t TECHNICALLY video game song, but it’s Deadmau5, so if you asked my mother, she’d say it was. Close enough, right? Right.

Deadmau5 is, hands down, one of the best electronica artists out there, close on the tail of Daft Punk (pun intended). Having his work included in this madcap, zany, over-the-top fun-fest of a video game is very appropriate to me. Saint’s Row the Third already has a fantastic licensed soundtrack featuring the likes of Mötley Crüe (‘CAUSE I’M A LIVE!!! A LIVE WIRE!!!), Schooly D (‘CAUSE WE ARE THE AQUA TEENS, MAKE THE HOMIES SAY ‘HO’ AND THE GIRLIES WANNA SCREAM!) and, of course, Chopin. Oh, and I think Kanye is in there, too but he doesn’t need any more boosts to his ego, so let’s just fight the urge to quote “Power”. Even if we are livin’ in the 21st century (dammit).

Matt Miller's avatar (right) during the boss fight (*cough* Zekrom *cough*).

Matt Miller’s avatar (right) during the boss fight (*cough* Zekrom *cough*).

But Deadmau5’s style immediately stood out to me in the midst of the chaos of this game (and this boss fight). It’s often hard to hear the music over the sounds of gunshots and, in this case, Matt Miller crying like a little bitch after I whooped his ass with a mega buster (seriously, if you haven’t played Saints Row the Third yet, go do that). Kicking Matt Miller’s digital butt was fun enough as it is. Doing it to Deadmau5? Perfect choice by Volition.

10. Count Dracula Duck (DuckTales Remastered)
Game: DuckTales Remastered
Boss: Count Dracula Duck
Song: Final Boss/Count Dracula Duck
Composer: Jake Kaufman
 

DuckTales. You will never leave the zeitgeist, will you? Most of us don’t even remember anything specific from the show (save for the catchy-ass theme song), but we DO remember that it was good. One of the best parts of DuckTales the game on the NES was the music and I knew that when Capcom and WayForward (the team behind Shantae and the Wii reimagining of A Boy and His Blob) announced DuckTales Remastered, I knew the soundtrack would be phenomenal. I do love being right. The entire soundtrack is fantastic, but as far as boss music goes, there are two tracks. One is for the main game bosses, the other is for the final boss. That one stands out the most of the two. However, it’s important to note that this particular track was composed specifically for the Remastered version of the game. The original fight used the standard boss fight track and took place back in Transylvania instead of Mt. Vesuvius, the second new area added to the game; the first being Scrooge’s money bin.

How did they miss "Count Duckula?" Seriously, it writes itself.

How did they miss “Count Duckula?”
Seriously, it writes itself.

The reason this track is so low on the list is because although the composition is good and it really fits the feeling behind the battle (Scrooge is fighting this monster to save his nephews), the song doesn’t have enough length or variance to be extremely catchy. But although it’s short and loops quickly, it’s still a great song.

A-woo-ooh.

9. Dark Impetus (Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep)
 
Game: Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep
Boss: Unknown (Young Xehanort)
Song: Dark Impetus
Composer: Yoko Shimomura
 

Oh, Kingdom Hearts. I only know what’s going on in your story about 358/2 of the time. That said, keep in mind that it’s virtually impossible to discuss Kingdom Hearts without giving away some spoilers. So if you’re not caught up on the series or want to avoid any spoilers, just assume I have my reasons for liking this track and spin on.

I love when boss music is very quick and upbeat. It gives a sense of weight and brevity to the battle itself. This isn’t just one more underling to put down; this person is important to the story. Their continued existence is a threat to your goals as the hero, perhaps even a threat to peace in the world. Dark Impetus plays at the end of Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep when you fight a “mysterious figure” who turns out to be Xehanort’s younger self. By the way, I’ll admit that introducing time travel into an already confusing plotline wasn’t exactly the best decision Nomura has ever made, but this “saga” is about to come to a close with Kingdom Hearts III, so I’ll let it go.

Apparently completing Kingdom Hearts is the only way to generate 1.21 Jiggawatts of power.

Dark Impetus has that weight, it has that brevity and even though you’re not sure who you’re fighting, the music tells you that it’s important and they must be stopped. Plus, they’re wearing all black; that’s, like, the calling card of a traditional bad guy. Grab your keyblade; this asshat is going down.

 
8. The Grolgoth (Rayman 2: The Great Escape)
Game: Rayman 2: The Great Escape
Boss: The Grolgoth (Razorbeard)
Song: The Grolgoth
Composer: Eric Chevalier
 

God. Dammit. I absolutely LOVE Rayman 2. It’s one of the best platformers on the N64, the PS2 AND the Dreamcast. Not counting the absolutely inexcusably bad ports to the DS and 3DS, Rayman 2 is one of the best games I’ve ever played and it has a great soundtrack to boot. My favorite track from the game is The Woods of Light, which plays immediately after escaping from Razorbeard’s flagship, the Buccaneer. That song and that area serve to show you, the player, what the Glade of Dreams looked like before the robo-pirates arrived and what you’re fighting for. This track, the final battle with Razorbeard and his giant robot, The Grolgoth, serve to underscore the importance of this battle. Remember the Woods of Light? Remember Globox? Ly? Clark? The Teensies? Globox’s creepy wife and their tons of kids? They’re counting on you.

Incidentally, not the only robot piloting a robot on this list.

Incidentally, not the only robot piloting a robot on this list.

This song and this fight are too important to lose. Unlike most games, when this one starts, Rayman has already lost. He’s been captured and drained of his energy. Because of Ly and Globox, Rayman escapes and begins foiling the pirates’ plans. Rayman 2 isn’t about stopping an enemy from taking over the world; that’s already happened. Rayman 2 is about leading a movement to save the world and it all comes to a head onboard the Buccaneer in a climactic battle between Rayman, the limbless hero, and an evil  robot piloting another, larger evil robot. The weight of the battle itself is underscored by the music tack and the instrumentation therein does a fantastic job of that. The use of electric guitars over the major piano keys used throughout the entire game and the horns building through the song really show just how important this battle is. The entire Glade of Dreams is counting on you, Rayman. Hell, Ly reminds you of that every time you die. Maybe she’s taking lessons from Navi.

 
7. Painkiller (Brütal Legend)
 
Game: Brütal Legend
Boss: Emperor Doviculus
Song: Painkiller
Artist: Judas Priest

Judas. Motherf**king. Priest. In case you couldn’t tell from my shout-out to Motley Crue earlier, I’m a bit of a metalhead. Which means, you guessed it, I LOVE Brutal Legend. The game’s main villain is Emperor Doviculus, lord of the metal demons and voiced by the amazing Tim Curry. So many of the lyrics just plain work for this fight.

 

Planets devastated

Mankind’s on its knees

A saviour comes from out the skies

In answer to their pleas

 

This is basically the story of Brutal Legend. Eddie Riggs is brought to this world to help liberate mankind from the demons led by Doviculus himself.

 

Through boiling clouds of thunder

Blasting bolts of steel

Evils going under deadly wheels

Well, Eddie can use lightning and thunder magic with Clementine, his guitar, and he has the “deadly wheels” of the Druid Plow which is used liberally in this particular battle. If I didn’t know better, I’d say that this were written specifically for and about the climactic battle between Eddie and Doviculus, with Eddie himself being the titular “Painkiller”.

HE'S JUST A SWEET TRANSVESTITE!

HE’S JUST A SWEET TRANSVESTITE!

Of course, if you’ve played the game, you know that at the end, Eddie cuts of Doviculus’ head and lobs it into the Sea of Black Tears. When asked about a possible sequel, the game’s creator, Tim Schafer, made a point of bringing that up. So, if we do get a Brutal Legend 2, chances are we haven’t seen the last of this awesome villain.

6. Bombs for Throwing at You (Portal 2)
 
Game: Portal 2
Boss: Wheatley
Song: Bombs for Throwing at You
 Composer: Mike Morasky

This is the part where he kills you.

What more can be said about Portal 2 that hasn’t been said elsewhere on the Internet? Not much, really. I will say that Portal 2’s music is just a spectacular mix of orchestral and electronic. This track does so much to underscore Chell’s final obstacle to freedom: her once-friend Wheatley. I won’t lie, when Wheatley turned evil I was upset, but I wasn’t shocked. Nor was I shocked when GLaDOS started becoming… well, “kinder” isn’t the word, but certainly less evil after being removed from her big body. Having that much power and control can drive anyone insane, I guess.

Before going into GLaDOS' huge body, Wheatley's primary predators were GLaDOS herself, birds and his own stupidity.

Before going into GLaDOS’ huge body, Wheatley’s primary predators
were GLaDOS herself, birds and his own stupidity.

That said, this song really blends a quick and upbeat track with the electronica used throughout the game very well in such a way that improves an already fun and creative boss fight.

 

5. King of the Koopas (Paper Mario)
 
Game: Paper Mario
Boss: Bowser
Song: King of the Koopas
 Composer: Yuka Tsujiyoko
 

This is, hands down, one of the best Bowser fights of all time. The fate of the entire Mushroom Kingdom is at stake, more so than ever before. Bowser has the power to do literally anything he wants with the Star Rod and only Mario can stop him. But this track just helps add… something to it.

Now, I do have to clarify; I’m talking about the game version of the song. There are two versions floating around: the game version and the soundtrack version. The game version has an electric guitar which sounds AWESOME and the soundtrack version changes the MIDI instrumentation to use… I think horns? I’m not sure, but it sounds cheap and awful. The game version of the song is so well done and underscores the weight and importance of the battle so well that it’s actually quite impressive.

Even with the power to do literally anything, Bowser couldn't beat Mario. That's a rather impressive feat in-and-of itself, really.

Even with the power to do literally anything, Bowser couldn’t beat Mario.
That’s a rather impressive feat in-and-of itself, really.

The Paper Mario games’ final battles grow in importance and weight exponentially (until you hit Sticker Star, but that was barely a Paper Mario game), but this fight with Bowser just hit the sweet spot of what Mario and Bowser’s rivalry is all about. The song behind it makes getting to this fight absolutely worth it just to hear this epic track behind a fun and exciting battle. Even if Bowser does have to wait his turn because I’m rocking out to that epic guitar solo.

4. Final Battle (Banjo-Kazooie)
 
Game: Banjo-Kazooie
Boss: Gruntilda
Song: Final Battle
 Composer: Grant Kirkhope

Now it’s time to whup your butt. I’ll shoot you down, you fat green slut!

 

Maybe if Conker had fought Grunty, we’d have gotten a line like that. The battle with Gruntilda at the end of Banjo-Kazooie is one of the most climactic battles on the console. Banjo-Kazooie is my absolute favorite N64 platformer collect-em-up of all time. This song’s composition is just amazing and considering the composer is the incomparable Grant Kirkhope, I’m not surprised. Kirkhope, like much of Rare at the time, got the Nintendo 64 to do things it was NEVER designed to do like full voice acting and inter-cartridge data transfers. Unfortunately, the latter was scrapped for technical reasons, but Rare in the N64 era was at its best.

 

This song is a re-arrangement of the Gruntilda’s Lair theme that plays throughout the whole game, but this fight is so memorable and so fun that the accompanying music has to be equally so. The bit of banjo included in the song serves to exemplify Banjo’s final battle with Grunty, whose highly memorable theme overtakes a good chunk of the song. This track just SCREAMS struggle and that’s what this fight is: a struggle.

Gruntilda before spending two years trapped under a rock, becoming even MORE ugly (if you can believe that).

Gruntilda before spending two years trapped under a rock,
becoming even MORE ugly (if you can believe that).

Let’s actually analyze this: Banjo and Kazooie have a series of odd moves and acrobatic attacks, eggs they can shoot, flight, temporary invulnerability, a shaman, a mole and some bird-things on their side. Gruntilda has a flying broomstick, MAGIC BLASTS, AN IMPENETRABLE SHIELD, AND A HOMING ATTACK THAT DOES A METRIC FUCK-TON OF DAMAGE IF IT HITS. Seriously, you have to be DAMN good to dodge that attack unless you use the Wonderwing. Statistically, you’d be a fool to bet on the bear and bird in this fight. Hell, they aren’t even the ones who actually FINISH the witch! The Jinjonator does all the heavy lifting in a magnificent display of deus-ex machina at work. Banjo and Kazooie didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in the lava side of Hailfire Peaks in this fight, but because of their friends and their tenacity, they win. That is one hell of a battle and one hell of a track.

 

3. Sloprano (Conker’s Bad Fur Day)
 
Game: Conker’s Bad Fur Day
Boss: The Great Mighty Poo
Song: Sloprano
Composer: Robin Beanland
 
 

I’ve already mentioned how impressed I am by what Rare made the N64 do. This song is a big part of that. The battle itself is funny and somewhat difficult, balancing frustration with success perfectly.

The lyrics are so catchy and memorable that you can’t help but sing along. And Rare knew this. The game has a bouncing ball (of poo) tracking the lyrics as the song goes. This is my favorite boss fight of all time and easily one of the best boss battle songs ever by pure virtue of it makes you sing along to a song about poo.

A song. About poo. That makes you sing along. Hell, this song exemplifies what Conker’s Bad Fur Day is all about and obviously fits the fight so perfectly well.

Follow the bouncing turd, kiddies!

Follow the bouncing turd, kiddies!

By the way, I’m very, very thankful that Conker’s health item (antigravity chocolate) floats above the ground. Sloprano is one video game world that you want to avoid eating anything off the ground, much less something brown and sticky. Yuck.

2. One-Winged Angel (Final Fantasy VII)
 
Game: Final Fantasy VII
Boss: Sephiroth (Safer∙Sephiroth)
Song: One-Winged Angel
Composer: Nobuo Uematsu

Okay, I’ll admit it: I haven’t played Final Fantasy VII. Yeah, yeah, stow your nerd rage; I’ll get to it eventually. I haven’t played Half-Life either. They’re on my to-do list.

But, as previously mentioned, I HAVE played Kingdom Hearts and that is where most of my knowledge of Cloud and Sephiroth comes from. It’s also where I first heard this amazing song. My job today is to discuss the orchestral version of the song. I really like the lead-up to the latin lyrics; it’s a bit long (like Sephiroth’s masamune [yes, that’s what his sword is called]) but it builds tension because whether you know what’s coming or not, you will. Soon. Also, if you’re like me and you wonder just what the hell they’re saying and Googled the lyrics, they’re quite appropriate.

Anyone else think he's maybe compensating for something with that huge-ass sword?

Anyone else think he’s maybe compensating for something with that huge-ass sword?

Especially the part where they say “Sephiroth” which translates to “Sephiroth”.

Sephiroth from the Hebrew word meaning "Asshole"

Sephiroth from the Hebrew word meaning “Asshole”.

 

1. The Battle of Lil’ Slugger (Super Meat Boy)
 
Game: Super Meat Boy
Boss: Lil’ Slugger
Song: The Battle of Lil’ Slugger
Composer: Danny Baranowsky

Wait, WHAT?! Yep. Super Meat Boy tops the list. If you were that surprised, you clearly haven’t played this game enough. Understandable since it’s hard as BALLS.

The Ballad of Lil’ Slugger is the boss music from the game’s first boss fight. Dr. Fetus, the game’s primary antagonist with the best villain name in the history of video games (he’s literally a fetus in a robot suit) is chasing Meat Boy through a burning forest in a giant walking chainsaw robot to a metal song with a guitar riff that would make Ozzy Osbourne nod sagely in approval as the metal gods offer db Soundworks a Fire Tribute. I did mention how much I love Brutal Legend, right?

The composition of this track is just spectacular. The riff later in the song is nearly impossible to play on guitar unless you’re really, REALLY good and it’s catchy as hell. Super Meat Boy already has an amazing soundtrack, but this one really rocks it to the top of the list (see what I did there?).

A fetus driving a robot driving a BIGGER robot with a giant chainsaw attached to it simply cannot be anywhere other than first place.

A fetus driving a robot driving a BIGGER robot with a giant chainsaw
attached to it simply cannot be anywhere other than first place.

In fact, this song is available on Rock Band 3 along with Forest Funk, the music from The Forest (duh) and Betus Blues, the music from The Hospital. So, with that in mind, go spend 3 bucks on those and try to complete this track on Expert 100%. Still not as hard as Through the Fire and Flames, but impressive nonetheless.

Read the full article here: http://trophyunlocked.blogspot.com/2014/02/feature-top-ten-boss-battle-themes.html

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Posted in Music, Top 10